Holidays, families and people living in recovery.  A time to have an attitude of gratitude or just an attitude.  Which do you choose?

The holidays are stressful for everyone…lots of shopping and cooking.  Lots of spending…sometimes beyond our means.  Lots of parties.  Lots of booze. Lots of cookies.   And since we are spending this time with our families and close friends, these are the same people who know how to push our buttons and turn stress to implosion or explosion.  There are steps we can take to try to keep the insanity to a dull roar.  I hope they are helpful….

1. Remember that “No” is a complete sentence. Of course, if there is a family party or dinner or an office gala, it would be nice if you made an appearance.  If you don’t, you may make life with your family or your employer unbearable for the year to come.   But remember that you don’t HAVE to go.  And if you decide to go, you can leave if the pressure gets too great buttons are being pushed too frequently.  Remember that if you are in early recovery, your very life may be on the line.  Even being in the presence of alcohol or people drinking and enjoying themselves may be too much for you to handle.  Sobriety comes first.  Later, you can contemplate if you were overly cautious but the phrase “Better safe than sorry” comes to mind.
2. The party is over for you when YOU decide. If in the middle of the party, you are overcome by anxiety or fear that you might slip, you can excuse yourself.  Just say you are feeling ill (which you really are) and take a walk outside.  If you feel you can rejoin the party, great.  If not, apologize and go home or to your room.  Everyone may miss you but if you stay and relapse they will be sorry you stayed.
3. Have an escape plan that is all your own.  If you have to leave because someone in the family is riding you about not joining in the toast or if your already inebriated uncle is commenting on the amount of food you are eating …. If they are getting on your last nerve, you need to be able to get away.  Do not put yourself in the position of having to wait for someone else to be ready to leave.  If you can’t drive yourself, be prepared to leave for the bus or to call a taxi or Uber.  You need to decide if you stay or if you go.
4. Remember, it is not all about you. You may be very excited about having been clean or sober for three months or having lost 20 pounds. Not everyone needs to know how you did it.  The party or dinner table is not a 12 step meeting and there is a difference between talking with others and sharing where you are.  Don’t show up with unrealistic expectations and you won’t develop any resentments.
5. Remember, to test your spiritual fitness. In recovery, we are told that there is no place off limits for us if we are spiritually fit.  So, before you go, do an inventory.  If there is even a chance that you will be tempted to drink alcohol or eat processed sugar, it may be your Higher Power letting you know that you should not put yourself in harm’s way.  Make an excuse to not attend and hang with your friends or family in a less stressful situation.  .
6. Remember, you are NOT unique– lots of people have anxiety and fear at the holidays for any number of reasons.  They might be mourning the loss of loved ones.  They may be living in fear of the New Year and changes they need to make.  They may be worried about the bills that will be arriving in January for their holiday spending.  They may also have addiction issues.  You are not the only one having issues.  Be aware do what you have been taught to do in your program.  Be of maximum service to others.
7. The family dinner or office party is not the right place to start making amends or discussing resentments. It’s a great idea to keep a journal.  Try to write down the things that are bothering you and address them one-on-one later or the next day or week.  Remember the important questions:  Does it need to be said?  Does it need to be said now?  Does it need to be said by me?
8. The Serenity Prayer is meant to be said early and often. Remember to breathe.  If your coach has taught you specific breathing techniques, use them…as many times as is necessary.   You can count your breaths and laugh at your father-in-law’s joke at the same time.
9. Some are sicker than others. This includes your family and friends.  Not everyone is lucky enough to have a 12 step program, although most could use one.  Think of those who are especially grating as being ill and treat them as you would someone who needs compassion.  And when it gets to be too much, remember numbers 2 and 3 above.
10. Stay inside YOUR hula hoop. Everyone hates a “reformed” whatever….  Think about people who tell you how bad it is for you to smoke…when they used to rip through two packs a day.  Think about people who have given up caffeine and want to regale everyone who is having coffee about how much better they will feel if they give it up.  Now, think about you.  You are in recovery from your addiction.  It is YOUR addiction.  It is not your responsibility to fix everyone else in your family.  Lead by example.  Let them see how well you are doing and ask you for help. 
11. Make use of your “WE”. If you have been in a recovery program, you have met others who are like you.  Whether you are an alcoholic, drug addict, binge eater, gambler, overeater….you have met others like you at meetings.  You have probably exchanged telephone numbers with others.  Lean on your “WE.”  Tell folks you will be going to a party or family gathering and may need to reach to talk.  People in recovery are there for each other.  You would do the same for someone else.  Have the numbers in your phone and be prepared to call people to help you calm down.
12. Remember to rely on your Higher Power.  There is a General Manager of the Universe and it ain’t you!  Let go of trying to control all outcomes.  Stop trying to be the director of the play.  Release the need for everything to be as you would like it, and just enjoy yourself.  And if you can’t, remember what you CAN control….YOU.